Yoda: “The fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”
I’m trying to fight it, really trying hard to fight the urge to scream at the world “I fucking hate you.” I don’t want to resort back to my old tendencies of giving up when it starts to get tough or avoiding the inevitable, but it sounds so enticing. I want to remain positive and hopeful, but the inability for the world to love me makes it so damn difficult.
I guess my first step should be refraining from placing the blame on the world because we all know it really isn’t the world’s fault that I’m five years behind the “be happy and successful” timeline I devised in middle school. Yeah, sure I understand that it’s always in need of editing and revising, but seriously, FIVE YEARS BEHIND! I hate that society and my upbringing inadvertently fabricated this stupid plan. I am trying to genuinely believe that I don’t need to be a certain way or accomplish certain things by a certain age to be happy, but it’s proving to be really tough. Because in reality, I am almost 23 and in five years I will be almost 28. I do expect to own an apartment or home that I solely paid for by 28, but that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen. Accepting that I won’t be who I want to be and have everything I want by a certain age is disappointing. It shatters my dream.
I’m trying to check off my list what I can do this year. I’ve asked myself what I can do to progress in my life. The problem is I feel like I am doing it, but even that’s disappointing me. It makes me skeptical on my future. I go to work and school from 5am-4pm and by the time I get home I’m too exhausted to function. Is this just a forecast of the rest of my life. Is it always going to be this mundane repetitive cycle?
I hope the one day I can see the beauty in all of this.